5 Minute Playtime

So I went to Walmart with my roommate last night. As I was trying to keep her mind off a stupid boy, I kept thinking about the guy I like and how frustrated I am with him.  I didn't hear from him for about a week (we're rounding up, because it was between 4-7 days. I stopped counting so it would appear as if I didn't care as much). So instead of talking about her guy, we ended up talking about mine...don't ask how that happened.  But the conversation and the event that followed are the topic of this post today.

The last thing he said to me was in a text. Something about sorry about being distant, he still thinks about me and misses me, but he's helping a group of foreigners adapt to his area....to which I didn't respond the way I wanted to: "So you have enough time to do? I thought you said you were busy or you would come see me."

As we're walking out of Walmart, ReAnne tells me to be honest with him and say that I'm frustrated with not seeing him because I don't like talking on the phone and I'm easier to get to know in person.

So I'm thinking about how and when to say this, or if I even need to. It seems like he's dumping me already simply by not being around.  Not that he could dump me. We aren't officially dating.  Which is a good thing, because then I'd feel like this was a bad relationship.

Then he calls.  He says, "Hey, you live in Ogden right?"
Me: "No, I live south of Ogden."
Him: "I was thinking of dropping by.  I'm on my way back from Salt Lake. It was a last minute thing."
Me: "Really?! That's great!"
Him: "So where are you?"
Me: [about 30 seconds explaining where i live]
Him: "So you're with your family, huh?"
Me: "No, with my roommate, but parts of my family live near."
Him: [mumbles stuff...don't quite understand...] "it's just been one of those days, you know, where the less stress you have the better. Where the less people you have the easier it is."
Me: [thinking, wait a second...is he talking about me?]
Him: "....and i've been pushing people away lately--"
Me: [is he just apologizing?]
Him: "--until I figure out some stuff."

He said a few more things. Inconsequential things that I can't remember.  All I know was that whatever he was saying, I was biting my tongue, because I just wanted to yell at him.  I wanted to tell him that he can't just push me away. I'm not committed to be there whenever he's ready.  I don't want him to be more distant that he already is when we don't live around each other.

Finally I interrupt him in the middle of a sentence about him stressing and blah blah blah.  I don't like sitting around doing these word dances about stuff like this. I wanted to get to the point: "Do you want to come tonight?'
Him: "Well, I want to."
Me: "I mean are you going to?"
Takes him a while to actually say it, but he says no. "If I just weren't so pressed for time...next time I'm down I'll make time for you."
Me: "Okay, do that, but if you can't make time for me, don't tell me." (FYI: I said don't tell me because I don't want to know that he's in the area and I can't see him.)
Him: "Hey, way to bite my head off."
Me: "I'm not biting your head off." (seriously, I could bite his head off.)
Him: "Well be nice."
Me: "I've been nice." (and understanding. and patient. and i've been trusting him.  and giving him the benefit fo the doubt...up until this last week anyway).
I was getting ready to explain that I didn't like being teased when he said "Well I'll talk to you later."

I didn't talk much that phone call, and once I actually was going to start talking, he said goodbye. I would've called him back, but he was driving, and honestly, i don't like fighting, and he was so obviously done talking to me.

But I did send a text:

I wasn't trying to bite your head off, I just don't want you to tease me like that, so that's why I'd prefer you not to tell me if you don't have time for me. I like you a lot and I haven't seen you in two months. I don't like getting excited then disappointed in the same 5 minutes. it's an unnecessary headgame on top of me trying to decide if i should put more of myself out there for you.  it might be silly but that's my reaction. plus, i'm easier to get to know in person, and i want you to have the opportunity to get to know me. Drive safe.

I planned on yelling at him, really did. But I've never been good at following through on those types of plans.

But in all seriousness, I'm still yelling at him in my head.  Make time for me or call it quits dude.  I like you and I'd rather not continue liking you because this is not worth it. Especially when you're a jerk and say I'm not being nice about the situation. I miss you, you say you're coming right when I'm about to give up hope on you and go eat all the ice cream in the house, and then you say, oh, you know what? never mind. i've got too many stresses already and people to please. i want to see you, but you know what? that's too hard. i don't want to drive 5 minutes off the freeway.

I don't think it's going to work out, because I am not sorry for my reaction. My reaction was better than I ever could've hoped it would be. I think I would've been justified hanging up on him.  If he wants more from me, he's gonna pay.

But he won't. That's why it won't work out. Too bad he doesn't think I'm worth a detour.

Not My Fault

I am not being offensive, nor am I talking about anything that might be offensive. I'm talking about a cute little bird, one of my favorites. And no, I'm not so juvenile that I like this bird because of its name. I like it because it's a bird and it's a cute bird. Its name is not my fault.

THIS is what I'm refering to when I say "Oh look at that bird! It reminds me of a tit!" A Tit is a type of bird.  Get your mind out of the gutter and stop looking at me like I'm crazy when I say it's a bird and it's one of my favorites. (And I say it 'reminds' me of a tit because although I love birds, I have not paid attention to which type of birds live in which areas, so I'm not confident in my bird-recognition abilities, especially when a lot of them look alike.)

Here's a link to a site full of photography, with a categories dedicated to birds.  If I did the link correctly, it should take you to this category and have lots of pictures of blue tit birds.

I have shaken my head at too many people for not believing me. Well there is your proof.  It IS a type of bird. Stop treating me like I'm dumb.  I know I make up stuff to see if you'll believe me, but I also have a lot of random knowledge, okay? Accept it. If you know another name for this bird, let me know. I know birds have lots of different names, but the bird people I've talked to and learned from call this one a tit. So pardon me, and that was sarcastic.

Also, I'm not angry at any of you.  I'm frustrated with something else, but this seemed like a good outlet. Sorry if you felt defensive.

I don't like water-It evaporates without the decency of telling you it's leaving. And i'm not talking about water. But evaporization sucks when you're swimming.

WHOa Twitter!

Whoa Twitter!

Did you know that you should NOT send twitter updates to your phone?

If you do, you get like ten texts in a row, because once one person changes their status, another person changes theirs, and it's just a vicious chain reaction that only seems to happen late at night when normal people try to SLEEP.

Not that I sleep.  I like the people who tweet me.

But I do get tired.

Also, I meant to send my last post to twitter, not to my blog.  Whoops.  I didn't break my wrists or anything.  My neck's vertebrae are curved, my backbone has been painful for a long time, and i have carpal tunnel.  I'm pretty used to my wrists and back.  The neck is relatively new.  As in about 2 months old.  Maybe.  But ever so curiously, my right wrist was flaring horribly this morning and i'm being extra careful as I type because it's still a little sensitive, and once i notice pain in one area, it's as if the rest of my body's pain is jealous and everything starts complaining about how sore or uncomfortable I am. 

so...no, i didn't break anything chess. :)

but i will break twitter if i forget to put it on silent again.

Back. Neck. Wrists. Please not on the same day. :(

Why Can't We Glee?

So I woke up from a nap about 2 days ago to an alarm that I needed to turn off with a numb hand.

The numb hand was NOT cooperating, and in my waking-fogginess-of-a-brain, I remembered one of my favorite moments in Glee (I don't do exact quotations very well, so forgive me, all of you who are insulted that I don't remember everything I hear word for word):

"What is she doing here?"
"I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can't remember how to leave."

I LOVE GLEE.  I LOVE Brittany.  I LOVE Sue Sylvester, Finn, Huck, Mercedes, Kurt, Will...etc.

It just makes me so forlorn that this isn't an everlasting show. I love finales because they are HUGE spectacles, but really, each show is a huge spectacle.  It's amazing!  And the fact that finales exist reminds us that our favorite shows don't last forever.  It's a glum aspect of becoming invested in fictional worlds with fictional people played by real people in the real world who need breaks from acting.

But I was thinking...in a non-extremist-fan type of way...ha ha

If I were an extremist fan, and if I had a video camera, and if I had friends who were at least semi-extremist fans too, then I would probably like to make parodies of Glee episodes.  Because what could be more fun than acting as crazy as the people on that show?

Hypothetically speaking/thinking, of course.  I mean, just because Glee isn't on doesn't mean we can't get our Glee on.
That's what you missed on GLEE!

New Zealand

New Zealand. New Zealand. New Zealand.

There are a few places I want to travel to. Dubai. Ireland. Brazil. Japan. China. India.

But mostly New Zealand.  I've wanted to go since 7th grade.  Yet surprisingly enough, my daydreams have stopped there.

I imagine all the vacations I'm going to take everywhere else.  But New Zealand?  It's like I don't dare imagining it because I'm afraid my imagination won't do it justice.

So I have Gmail, and Gmail has this strip of text above your inbox advertising things related to your mail.  I have my comments on my blog forwarded to my email, and one of my friends was talking about hiking.  I'm not terribly good at hiking, but I'm not terribly terrible at it either.  Hiking is one of my favorite things.

So when the advertisement in Gmail was about a hiking trip through New Zealand, I got excited at the idea.  And I IMAGINED it.  For the first time. 

Maybe this is something weird to get excited about...but...

I JUST WENT HIKING IN NEW ZEALAND, YOU GUYS!!!!

Mind you it was imaginary and nowhere near as cool as it will be in reality...but still.  It was amazing and beautiful.  I recommend everyone take a trip there to hike, whether the trip requires a passport or not.

Why am I in Utah?

THIS is a long post.  It's an explanation, a vent, and a sappy thank you all wrapped up in one. I understand if you don't read it, because sometimes I see posts like this and I skip them myself (that doesn't mean I don't like the blogger, I just don't have the time/attention span for posts like this sometimes).

So this summer I was actually planning on living in Wyoming to save money and to spend a summer with my parents while one of my siblings was still there (Jaycey's getting ready to move out as I type this).  However, I wasn't too excited about Wyoming. Don't get me wrong: I was thrilled to spend a summer with my family.  I just don't like Wyoming for very long.  I think I would be fine for the first few weeks, but then...well it's Wyoming. I admire my family for sticking it out that long in a small town hours away from anywhere.

Then I started getting to know this guy who will still remain nameless on this blog.  I really liked/like him, and I was started to get more sad about moving to Wyoming than I was excited, because I do not date often, and when I do I try to be interested in the guys, but most of the time there just isn't the chemistry I'm looking for or they end up being idiots.  This nameless guy?  Not an idiot boy (as far as I could tell), and we clicked on a lot of different levels.  I was really sad to leave him.  It didn't help that when I told him I was going to Wyoming that he responded "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Were you afraid I wouldn't hang out with you anymore?" to which I responded in the lame way that only I can muster when I'm shy and embarrassed and awkward: "I dunno."

Then my mom said that she understood if I wanted to try to stay in Utah.  This was like a week before I had to move out of my apartments.  There was no way I was going to make those type of plans in a week.

But I did.  I moved in with my ex-stepmom-who-stayed-my-friend, and it's been wonderful living with her.  I do housework because I've still yet to find a job, and she thinks it's the most amazing thing to come home to a clean house, and not-so-restless dog, and entertaining company. So I don't feel too bad about not being able to give her part of my nonexistant paycheck, but I still wish I could get a stinking job so I didn't feel like a charity case.

When I told nameless boy that I was staying in Utah, he was happy.  So I was happy.  There's nothing like putting your heart out there, even just a little bit, and having it accepted.  That was a scary moment for me.  We were excited to spend more time together this summer (which would've been impossible from Wyoming).

So...since then...

Phone calls.  No visits.  No definite plans.  Phone calls.  I wonder what this...relationship...has turned into.  And the frequency of the phone calls has dropped.  Still talk to him often, just not as often.

So I wonder, why did I come here again?  I'm feeling like a charity case with a woman who divorced my father and so that makes me feel awkward because even though I know she adores me, that fact still lurks in the back of my head.  She owes me nothing. NOTHING.  And she's doing me this huge favor.  Tears forming in my eyes right now.

Yet she's so happy to be around me and makes a big deal about me cleaning her nearly spotless house.  Dishes and trash people.  That's mostly it. 

And her mom meets me and just loves the crap out of me, which is great because I love the crap out of her.  I have dinners at her house.  She comes over with Dave Ramsey.  Then she gives me clothes that are stinking cute and she's hardly worn them because they seem too young for her, but she is a stylish lady and she can totally pull anything off.  And then she gives me money to get things I need and some stuff I want...she says she wants to give it to me because I'm a delight and I'm helpful, and I feel guilty taking it because I don't do much, honest, not being humble.  I really don't deserve anything she gave me.

And my aunts and sister are being so nice to me, visiting and inviting me to dinner, taking me to the grocery store because of my stupid car and my stupid nonexistant salary, and driving me to and from friends' houses for parties.

And my friends have been driving me places forever and...they are just so amazing too.  I really can't even convey everything they give me, because they don't even know what they do for me.

So I have all of these amazing people in Utah who are just melting me to tears right now because I don't know how I found so many people to be thankful for, but I am so glad I found them.  I really do not like accepting anything from anyone, and I've been fighting with my pride lately a lot, and I've been attacking myself because I really wish I could be the one helping everyone else.  I'm just not at that point yet.

But I really just wanted to say thank you to everyone.  Because of you, I had an answer to my question: Why am I in Utah?

Because of the people I love and who love me back.  It was never completely about a boy to begin with.  He was a huge part of my decision to stay, because I didn't want to regret not taking a chance on him...but I'm in Utah because I have so many people here. 

Thanks for giving me up this summer, Mom.  I'm already being blessed in ways I couldn't imagine.  I've got the type of people in my life you were always telling me to get.  Thanks for moving me around so much--I got to meet a lot of people.  Thanks for raising me to become whatever I am right now, because apparently I'm good enough for the amazing people around me.  That's one of the best things you could've given me.

Another Shout

I would like to feature another of my favorite blogs. I didn't plan on featuring everyone I follow, but this lady really is SO genius, and she throws a creative university workshop (which is a fancy way of saying "scrapbook camp") that I REALLY want to go to someday. So I have to hurry up and jump on that before she decides not to do it anymore.

ANYWAY.  This is her site, and this is the latest video she's done (or at least the last one I've seen).  Not all of her posts include videos, but when she isn't showing you how to do things, she's showing you some inspiring projects she's done.  She also has Whatever Wednesdays that give some insight to who she is sometimes. It's a great blog!

What Photoshop and Indesign do for photography, SHE does for papercrafters everywhere.  She's such an inspiration and when I grow up, I want to be like her.

She's creative and silly, and she's one of the people who make my day :)  Thanks for everything you do!

My Grandma Blogs

So there's a little known fact I like to brag about occasionally: My mother was texting before me.  Not many of my friends can say that.  My mother also blogged before I did, and she does so more frequently than I do or ever will. (She also loves followers and comments...like they are her crack, so do a soon-to-be empty-nester a favor and brighten her day by following or commenting on her blog here.)

But I have another fact that I can brag about too!

My grandma blogs. 

In fact, here's a link to a post about me, and I'm gonna copy and paste that entire post here for you.  If you like it, visit her blog too.

But a note on the content first: the post I'm quoting is a story about me (brittany) when I was younger, my mother (connie) and my grandma (cecily).  Kim is my younger sister.  My absolute favorite blog at the moment (Chester the Bester) recently did a post about letters to yourself, and that the past versions of you can be full of wisdom that you didn't even know was there.  Younger versions of yourself can tell you exactly what you need to hear.  Check it out because it inspired me, and then read this story, because I think it's good to listen to the children (mind the child in this story is me, but i'm not trying to brag, *wink wink).

Connie asked Brittany several weeks before my birthday what she wanted to give me. "Doggy Bones."
Brittany was not yet four. Still, she certainly had her own view of the world. And it mattered not that I had no dog.
A month later, when Connie asked again. Brittany still remembered. "Doggy bones."

Connie asked if she was really sure that was what she wanted to give me. Yep. Doggy bones. No explanation of why. Just firm resolve.
Connie called me to tell me I was getting rawhide dog bones for my birthday. She said she had waited a month to go shopping for that birthday gift, and even so, Brittany had remembered and insisted. I laughed. And laughed. Cute. Such determination was just cute. The choice....I couldn't understand it. I still had no dog. Fortunately, I was done laughing before I came face to face with those dog bones, so I could give them and my granddaughters the respect they deserved for such a unique gift.
I was handed the wrapped gift by two very excited little girls. Brittany could hardly wait for me to open it. Kim was bouncing up and down repeating, "Goggy bones. Goggy bones. Goggy bones. Goggy bones." She could finally stop saying it after I had all the wrapping paper off.
The day after giving me the dog bones, Brittany was riding in the back seat of my car, when she launched into her own chosen topic of conversation, unprompted. When she and her sisters played house, the most fun thing to be was the dog. Being the doggy was the position of delight and honor. So she gave me dog bones so I could do the thing she thought was most fun---with props!
Then she said she had chosen the package with three dog bones so I could share "because when you share it becomes love."
Brittany gave me everything she had to give. Her excitement, her experience, her wisdom, and her love. To want to share with me so I can then share with others...what a cool gift. I still have those goggy bones. When ever I see them or think about them, my soul feel fuller. Sometimes I think about framing them so I see them more often.

So is it the thought that counts? A definite, emphatic "yes"! Something else counts, too.
The mom. See, the mom let her children give me dog bones when I had no dog.

She didn't insist that Brittany choose something that would make more sense to an adult.
Brittany did not share her reasons for dog bones with her mom. Yet Connie was respectful of her daughter's heart. She allowed. She didn't crush.
Connie might have deprived me of that experience. If she had viewed everything her children did as a reflection on her parenting, if she had been more concerned with what her mother-in-law would think of her, and less concerned about her daughter's gentle heart, there probably would be no rawhide dog bones in the cedar chest with the other things I treasure. And my soul would not feel so full.

I am very grateful for all mothers who do not keep their children root bound in a tiny pot on the window sill, but allow and encourage them to flourish and grow in the garden of life.
I really love and respect you, Connie. A lot.

I'm trying to blog from my phone for the first time ever. I know exciting, right? But not as exciting as this: i was just called to set up an interview! Go job!

Photo Shoot!

So I've been doing quite a bit lately. Mostly it's been applying for jobs or looking for jobs or visiting friends and family and talking on the phone with a boy ;) Also, eating and sleeping are important parts of my life. I love those two activities so much.

And guess what?!  I've got pictures of some of my activities to share with you!

Here's me during my job hunt. It really wipes me out and gets me depressed. Sometimes I wonder if I'll get another job before I die...

But Stampin' Up called me saying they wanted my resume and they're reviewing it for two positions, so here's to hoping for that, and a few other positions I've applied for.

I also played badmitton with about 8 birdies at once.  By "about 8" I really mean a million.  Or at least it seemed like a million. And as we all learned in grade school, a million birdies can be quite frightening. I got a picture of just how frightening it was.

Yeah, imagine missing that birdie when someone spikes it at your head.  And they just kept coming.

I also went to a campfire where none of the boys did anything to build or maintain the fire.  I was shocked!

But it was dark, so not many people could see my shocked face. So I just called them stupid boys in my head a lot.

And I went to Wyoming and watched my sister graduate.

She cow kissed my mother that day.  I was frightened for my sister.  We do not cow kiss our mother.  Or anyone for that matter.

And I went camping in Moab with some friends for a wedding and a wedding reception. Yes, I said camp and wedding in the same sentence (again).  There were showers and outlets there, so it worked out rather well.  While in Moab, I beat clock solitaire FINALLY!

And I saw the Yeti's Wife.  She either had horrible make up or some creepy eyes on her eyelids.

Every time she walked past, my body stopped breathing in hopes that if I didn't breathe, she wouldn't think I was alive, so then she wouldn't suck out my soul. Yuckug with shivers.

Also, I have started reading Eragon, and so far it is to my liking. I don't know how long until I start blogging frequently again, but I thought I'd touch in to let everyone know I didn't quit, and also to document the major goings on in my life right now. Thanks for reading my published journal! ha ha