5 Minute Playtime

So I went to Walmart with my roommate last night. As I was trying to keep her mind off a stupid boy, I kept thinking about the guy I like and how frustrated I am with him.  I didn't hear from him for about a week (we're rounding up, because it was between 4-7 days. I stopped counting so it would appear as if I didn't care as much). So instead of talking about her guy, we ended up talking about mine...don't ask how that happened.  But the conversation and the event that followed are the topic of this post today.

The last thing he said to me was in a text. Something about sorry about being distant, he still thinks about me and misses me, but he's helping a group of foreigners adapt to his area....to which I didn't respond the way I wanted to: "So you have enough time to do? I thought you said you were busy or you would come see me."

As we're walking out of Walmart, ReAnne tells me to be honest with him and say that I'm frustrated with not seeing him because I don't like talking on the phone and I'm easier to get to know in person.

So I'm thinking about how and when to say this, or if I even need to. It seems like he's dumping me already simply by not being around.  Not that he could dump me. We aren't officially dating.  Which is a good thing, because then I'd feel like this was a bad relationship.

Then he calls.  He says, "Hey, you live in Ogden right?"
Me: "No, I live south of Ogden."
Him: "I was thinking of dropping by.  I'm on my way back from Salt Lake. It was a last minute thing."
Me: "Really?! That's great!"
Him: "So where are you?"
Me: [about 30 seconds explaining where i live]
Him: "So you're with your family, huh?"
Me: "No, with my roommate, but parts of my family live near."
Him: [mumbles stuff...don't quite understand...] "it's just been one of those days, you know, where the less stress you have the better. Where the less people you have the easier it is."
Me: [thinking, wait a second...is he talking about me?]
Him: "....and i've been pushing people away lately--"
Me: [is he just apologizing?]
Him: "--until I figure out some stuff."

He said a few more things. Inconsequential things that I can't remember.  All I know was that whatever he was saying, I was biting my tongue, because I just wanted to yell at him.  I wanted to tell him that he can't just push me away. I'm not committed to be there whenever he's ready.  I don't want him to be more distant that he already is when we don't live around each other.

Finally I interrupt him in the middle of a sentence about him stressing and blah blah blah.  I don't like sitting around doing these word dances about stuff like this. I wanted to get to the point: "Do you want to come tonight?'
Him: "Well, I want to."
Me: "I mean are you going to?"
Takes him a while to actually say it, but he says no. "If I just weren't so pressed for time...next time I'm down I'll make time for you."
Me: "Okay, do that, but if you can't make time for me, don't tell me." (FYI: I said don't tell me because I don't want to know that he's in the area and I can't see him.)
Him: "Hey, way to bite my head off."
Me: "I'm not biting your head off." (seriously, I could bite his head off.)
Him: "Well be nice."
Me: "I've been nice." (and understanding. and patient. and i've been trusting him.  and giving him the benefit fo the doubt...up until this last week anyway).
I was getting ready to explain that I didn't like being teased when he said "Well I'll talk to you later."

I didn't talk much that phone call, and once I actually was going to start talking, he said goodbye. I would've called him back, but he was driving, and honestly, i don't like fighting, and he was so obviously done talking to me.

But I did send a text:

I wasn't trying to bite your head off, I just don't want you to tease me like that, so that's why I'd prefer you not to tell me if you don't have time for me. I like you a lot and I haven't seen you in two months. I don't like getting excited then disappointed in the same 5 minutes. it's an unnecessary headgame on top of me trying to decide if i should put more of myself out there for you.  it might be silly but that's my reaction. plus, i'm easier to get to know in person, and i want you to have the opportunity to get to know me. Drive safe.

I planned on yelling at him, really did. But I've never been good at following through on those types of plans.

But in all seriousness, I'm still yelling at him in my head.  Make time for me or call it quits dude.  I like you and I'd rather not continue liking you because this is not worth it. Especially when you're a jerk and say I'm not being nice about the situation. I miss you, you say you're coming right when I'm about to give up hope on you and go eat all the ice cream in the house, and then you say, oh, you know what? never mind. i've got too many stresses already and people to please. i want to see you, but you know what? that's too hard. i don't want to drive 5 minutes off the freeway.

I don't think it's going to work out, because I am not sorry for my reaction. My reaction was better than I ever could've hoped it would be. I think I would've been justified hanging up on him.  If he wants more from me, he's gonna pay.

But he won't. That's why it won't work out. Too bad he doesn't think I'm worth a detour.