Why am I in Utah?

THIS is a long post.  It's an explanation, a vent, and a sappy thank you all wrapped up in one. I understand if you don't read it, because sometimes I see posts like this and I skip them myself (that doesn't mean I don't like the blogger, I just don't have the time/attention span for posts like this sometimes).

So this summer I was actually planning on living in Wyoming to save money and to spend a summer with my parents while one of my siblings was still there (Jaycey's getting ready to move out as I type this).  However, I wasn't too excited about Wyoming. Don't get me wrong: I was thrilled to spend a summer with my family.  I just don't like Wyoming for very long.  I think I would be fine for the first few weeks, but then...well it's Wyoming. I admire my family for sticking it out that long in a small town hours away from anywhere.

Then I started getting to know this guy who will still remain nameless on this blog.  I really liked/like him, and I was started to get more sad about moving to Wyoming than I was excited, because I do not date often, and when I do I try to be interested in the guys, but most of the time there just isn't the chemistry I'm looking for or they end up being idiots.  This nameless guy?  Not an idiot boy (as far as I could tell), and we clicked on a lot of different levels.  I was really sad to leave him.  It didn't help that when I told him I was going to Wyoming that he responded "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Were you afraid I wouldn't hang out with you anymore?" to which I responded in the lame way that only I can muster when I'm shy and embarrassed and awkward: "I dunno."

Then my mom said that she understood if I wanted to try to stay in Utah.  This was like a week before I had to move out of my apartments.  There was no way I was going to make those type of plans in a week.

But I did.  I moved in with my ex-stepmom-who-stayed-my-friend, and it's been wonderful living with her.  I do housework because I've still yet to find a job, and she thinks it's the most amazing thing to come home to a clean house, and not-so-restless dog, and entertaining company. So I don't feel too bad about not being able to give her part of my nonexistant paycheck, but I still wish I could get a stinking job so I didn't feel like a charity case.

When I told nameless boy that I was staying in Utah, he was happy.  So I was happy.  There's nothing like putting your heart out there, even just a little bit, and having it accepted.  That was a scary moment for me.  We were excited to spend more time together this summer (which would've been impossible from Wyoming).

So...since then...

Phone calls.  No visits.  No definite plans.  Phone calls.  I wonder what this...relationship...has turned into.  And the frequency of the phone calls has dropped.  Still talk to him often, just not as often.

So I wonder, why did I come here again?  I'm feeling like a charity case with a woman who divorced my father and so that makes me feel awkward because even though I know she adores me, that fact still lurks in the back of my head.  She owes me nothing. NOTHING.  And she's doing me this huge favor.  Tears forming in my eyes right now.

Yet she's so happy to be around me and makes a big deal about me cleaning her nearly spotless house.  Dishes and trash people.  That's mostly it. 

And her mom meets me and just loves the crap out of me, which is great because I love the crap out of her.  I have dinners at her house.  She comes over with Dave Ramsey.  Then she gives me clothes that are stinking cute and she's hardly worn them because they seem too young for her, but she is a stylish lady and she can totally pull anything off.  And then she gives me money to get things I need and some stuff I want...she says she wants to give it to me because I'm a delight and I'm helpful, and I feel guilty taking it because I don't do much, honest, not being humble.  I really don't deserve anything she gave me.

And my aunts and sister are being so nice to me, visiting and inviting me to dinner, taking me to the grocery store because of my stupid car and my stupid nonexistant salary, and driving me to and from friends' houses for parties.

And my friends have been driving me places forever and...they are just so amazing too.  I really can't even convey everything they give me, because they don't even know what they do for me.

So I have all of these amazing people in Utah who are just melting me to tears right now because I don't know how I found so many people to be thankful for, but I am so glad I found them.  I really do not like accepting anything from anyone, and I've been fighting with my pride lately a lot, and I've been attacking myself because I really wish I could be the one helping everyone else.  I'm just not at that point yet.

But I really just wanted to say thank you to everyone.  Because of you, I had an answer to my question: Why am I in Utah?

Because of the people I love and who love me back.  It was never completely about a boy to begin with.  He was a huge part of my decision to stay, because I didn't want to regret not taking a chance on him...but I'm in Utah because I have so many people here. 

Thanks for giving me up this summer, Mom.  I'm already being blessed in ways I couldn't imagine.  I've got the type of people in my life you were always telling me to get.  Thanks for moving me around so much--I got to meet a lot of people.  Thanks for raising me to become whatever I am right now, because apparently I'm good enough for the amazing people around me.  That's one of the best things you could've given me.