Trust and Truth

I just watched the House, M.D. Season 6 premiere, and let me tell you something, that show makes me reflect on myself more than I like to sometimes.

I'm not going to ruin it for those of you who didn't watch the premiere yet (notice that I make the assumption that you'll eventually watch it, like you care), but I would like to talk about what it made me think about.

This whole episode was about trusting other people. Trusting other people not to hate you or treat you differently because they know the truth, whatever the truth is. Trusting other people enough to say what you think and what you feel. Trusting other people enough to trust yourself, too. Trusting yourself enough to understand that you don't mean to make mistakes, so you should just say sorry as best at you can, fix what you need to fix, and most importantly to move on and be happy and keep being happy.

Let me tell you a truth about me.

I hate talking to people. I don't want to tell people what I'm really thinking about most of the time, because I think about a lot of weird things. I make observations that people think are a waste of time, but I hope that maybe they will engage in conversation with me long enough to discover something new and thrilling about the world, and I hope that if they play along with me for real, not just to appease me, we can come up with fun ideas and perspectives together. I think about things people said days ago, weeks ago, years ago, and people think I'm weird for remembering those things in such detail when most of the time I have to be reminded that I'm eating. I really freak out when I talk to someone because I don't want them to realize just how weird and scattered my thoughts are, because that would mean they would realize how weird and scattered I am.

Let me tell you another truth about myself.

I don't like to let people know that I need and love them and that I want them to need and love me back. I don't like to let people know I miss them because I have this insane belief that I need to do everything on my own and that means I should be able to be on my own for any length of time without missing people.

But I miss my family. I miss Jaycey being in my face and sitting on me all of the time. I miss Kim quietly supporting me and keeping me upbeat about life because she watches me and knows when something is on my mind and when I just want to have fun. I miss Allison growing up but still remaining the perky crazy kid that I love who surprises me every time I see her. I miss Mom nagging me to clean up the trail I leave through the house and glaring at me for stealing a drink from her water cup and giving me advice and forcing me to relax and have fun. I miss Doug making sure that I've got everything I need and cracking jokes and jumping off the couch or throwing the remote while watching the Seahawks. I miss Dad playing witty games with me and teaching me about technology and showing me the genius people, places, and things of the world. I miss having fun with my aunts and uncles and cousins, and I miss the stories I hear when I'm around all of my wonderful grandparents. I miss my stepmoms and how all of them worried about if my sisters and I were enjoying our visits with them and how they wanted to make sure we spent enough time with our dad, and I miss the friendships that I developed with them.

I miss my friends, the ones scattered across Utah and across the country. I've missed Ammon Malmgren for a long time now, since 10th grade when he moved to Texas. I've missed Keara Lei, Chelsey, and Becca so deeply since they left for China in August.

Let me tell you another truth about me.

I am LDS. I'm not just LDS because I was baptized. I'm LDS because I became converted, and the more I hear about the LDS gospel, the more it makes sense. It's like puzzle pieces coming together to show me a picture that I've already seen before. At first this gospel wasn't anything too big or spectacular to me. I've grown up with this church in my life, but I started questioning it one day, and I realized that it sounds a bit crazy. But that craziness goes away once you start fitting the puzzle pieces together, once you start collecting all the pieces of the gospel and really look at them. It makes sense. It feels right. And it feels good. And I'm finally allowing myself to just enjoy that good feeling and not block it out.

Let me tell you one more truth about me.

I'm always nervous to blog. I don't know how my blog posts change people's perception of me, and I hate to change people's perception of me because I'm afraid that it will change for the worse. But I'm reading other people's blogs, and I'm discovering that I enjoy reading the blogs about people and their thoughts and reflections on the world, and so I try to include my perspective of life as often as I have the courage to. This is one of those moments, a moment that I have the courage to post something that says things about me that I wouldn't usually bring up in conversation, things that I'm worried about telling people because I don't trust them enough to give them information about me, my thoughts, and my feelings. It seems simple, but it's so much harder than it sounds.

So thanks House. Thanks for teaching me something new so often. Thanks for pushing me out of my comfort zone and encouraging me to live my life in ways that make it interesting and sincere. Thanks for making me figure out what's really going on around me and making me take a good, honest look at myself. Here goes another click of the great and mighty publish button.