Heads Up Before You're Down

I'm not gonna lie. In fact, I'm going to tell everyone the truth. It's not a fun truth either. It's negative. So if you'd rather not read something negative today, no harm done. You can simply close this page and move along.

I'm not joking. I want you all to seriously consider leaving my blog right now. Reading is a choice. Choose to read or leave.

Okay.

This has been a rough two weekends in a row for me. The first weekend I dealt with a lot of external issues. The second weekend was internal torture.

I feel like telling everyone everything that my emotions have turned into, everything that my thoughts have evolved into. But I'm not going to. There's too much and it's not going to help you guys in any which way. I'm not going to give you useless information in this post.

(Just because this post isn't useless doesn't mean that you should read it. This is the last time that I'm telling you that you should exit this post right now if you don't want to read a negative truth about the world I've come to know.)

Right now, I'm simply going to show a human weakness. I'm admitting defeat. These past few weeks have kicked my butt. That's the simple truth. I feel dead and heavy and I'm pretty sure that even dead and heavy people spill saline all over their face.

But in my death, I'd like to warn everyone about something, because I don't remember anyone warning me about this, and I don't want anyone else to be caught off-guard.

Most of the time, your heart and head fight for no good reason, but there are times they fight because you are ignorant about a critical truth about yourself, a truth that you need to change or you'll never be happy. It's those times when neither your heart nor your head will understand you because they are sick of you the way you are.

This is what I believe causes people to hate themselves so often. They cannot justify themselves any longer, not with their head and not with their heart. When you can't justify or support yourself, I don't think it's possible to be happy.

That's when things get really rough. That's when it's easy to give up and just hold on to whatever it is about you or your past that's holding you back from real happiness. That's when you stop your pursuit of happiness, pursuit being an active word, one of the most active words Webster can provide.

That's when it's easy to be scared of failure so much that you'd rather struggle to just be content with your life rather than endure the sweaty, tearful pain that comes from taking a good honest look at yourself and doing whatever is necessary to become the best person you can be, to let go of everything that's holding you back from being a genuine form of you.

That's when I get scared. And I am scared, right now.

If it hasn't happened to you yet, I'm sorry for when it does. It's not fun. But I'm warning you right now, and I apologize for not having any advice to offer--I'm no wiser than you, especially not right now. I'm just telling you the bad part about growing up that I don't remember learning.

But if it doesn't happen, then I wonder why you are so lucky to be brave enough to fight the worst parts of yourself, and I envy you.

Before anyone comments, I know things will get better. I know this because I'm going to make them better and I'm looking for good things, the simple things that I can enjoy in life. And I know that this post is really negative. I accept the possibility that this post isn't the Truth for everyone, but it's the Truth for me, and I'm willing to bet that it's the Truth for at least one other person in this big world.

But don't anyone try to argue against the fact that right now, I've got a painful growth spurt to initiate, and I'm not looking forward to the journey. I'm not saying that I'm hopeless or that I'm giving up. I know I can do it, and I'm determined to succeed. I'm just hoping that the journey doesn't take too long, and I'm frustrated that I didn't realize how hard this was going to be until just now.

I hope no one looks at me weird for being so honest today. I just thought you all deserved a heads up from what I've noticed about the world I've come to know.