Paynor is dead

I don't know if people expect to be told when their family members or friends are in a crash, so hopefully if you are one of the people who expect to be told, and if you consider me a friend or relative you read this, because I'm not contacting people personally. I only did that for my mom and my work, because they are the ones that need to know. I also told becca but don't get your feelings hurt--i told her because she was the only person who knew how great my day was going up until the point that Paynor died.

Speaking of Paynor, I would like to make a dedication to my car. He's at the car hospital right now and they are waiting to see if I can afford the transplants he needs to survive, and if he would even survive the surgery.

It was stop and go traffic. After a few hours, I'm starting to comprehend what happened. And I remember that it wasn't because I was on the phone. I had hung up a few minutes before the crash. I wrecked because I looked at my watch. It was stop and go traffic. More like accelerate and hit your brakes fast traffic. I was annoyed with it, but I was trying to be careful. Until I looked at my watch to see if I should call my work and let them know I was going to be a little late today.

I ended up calling them after I wrecked the hood of my car.

The hood was bent like a capital A. Go Aggie block A.

The grill was a two-level deep V on it's side. headlights smashed across the road. tires obliterated.

The car in front of me was fine. I'm glad. They were also nice to me when I finally managed to get out of the car and fell into a ball on the ground and proceeded to bawl my eyes out.

I swore only once. It was when I looked up from my watch (it was maybe a second-long glance down). I looked up, swore, and the next thing I know, my face is sideways on a depleting airbag.

My face hurts. My wrist hurts and I don't know why, but it's not broken, just a bump-scratch. I pull over by the three cars already assembled at the side of the road. I know now that I blacked out, but at the moment, I didn't even question how they were suddenly pulled over and no one was in front of me (also i know i blacked out because I couldn't remember why I didn't stop in time, and I assumed it was because I was on the phone because the last thing I remembered besides the crash was getting off the phone with jaycey, and that was at a stoplight, not on the freeway).

My alarm is going off and I can't turn it off. My hood makes me start crying and I realized I'm coughing. There's a weird smoke in my car that is acrid. It burns my throat, nose, and eyes. I unbuckle, try to get out of my car, but my door won't open. Some guy starts approaching my car and I panic a little, realizing I can't get out of my car and for some reason, this guy scares me even though he seems nice and he's shouting "Are you alright?"

I feel sick, and I can't stop shaking enough to get out of my car smoothly. I kinda crash my way to the passenger door, which thankfully works. I look at my car. My favorite hunk of metal. Paynor the boat car. No one knew his name before I published this blog. It was a secret between me and him. My train boat car crashed, front part of it smashed in, but it saved the cab of the car perfectly. The only thing that hurt me was the airbag. He was such a good friend even though I wasn't careful enough with him.

Then I break down. Paynor might be dead, and if he's not, I might not be able to afford to keep him, like a child taken from parents who just can't feed him properly. I was driving to work to pay for bills. I'd taken tuesday off for jaycey's birthday. wednesday they closed because water was broken. Now I was out three days work this week. Not enough money.

How do I go to school? How do I pay people back? How do I get a new car? I need to drive to work and maybe a newer better job in NSLC. Why today, when I counted my blessings and finally felt better?

The people I crashed into were kind. A grandma kept telling me that everyone was okay, that's what mattered, that cars can be replaced, and if life has to be put on hold for a minute, it happens, and you can get on with it.

But I can't stop crying and saying sorry. That may be the reason the cop let me off with just a citation, not the whole reckless driving ticket he could've sent me to my financial grave with. And honestly, most of that time I wished it was a worse crash so that I wouldn't wake up from it into this new reality I was looking at. I didn't know how to cope, hence the pathetic mess I melted into on the side of the road. Paynor is dead. Paynor is dead. His face is all smashed in.

I didn't want to eat, because I was naseated, but I was hungry. I didn't want to drink, but I needed water. I didn't want anyone to look at me, but they needed paperwork from me. I didn't want to leave my car, but someone towed it away.

On the brightside, even though I couldn't appreciate it at the moment, I made a mental note to remember how young and cute the tow-truck guy was and the fact that he kept saying his name and pointing to his number on the business card he handed me.

My work called me back to ask if everything was okay, if I was alright, if they could do anything for me.

ReAnne ordered pizza and gave me oils for trauma. She also told me my eyes were dialated and I might have a concussion, but I didn't believe her, until I remembered that I was repeating the same words over and over to myself out loud while I was trying to fill out paperwork before I could finish a sentence on paper. I couldn't write. That's my life, so it's kind of a big deal when I can't finish a simple sentence on paper. I kept trying to write it was 1997 on today's date on the paperwork. I keep making typos while writing this blog post. Probably every third word I have to retype. Ask my friends. I'm a near perfect, fast typer. This is driving me nuts.

I miss paynor. He was a constant reminder that my life was getting better, that going places was freedom. that i could always stop and visit logan if i needed/wanted to.

And now He's gone.

I am extremely tired. I am still in shock maybe. I might have a concussion. I can't believe this happened. I just want to cry. Not sleep. not eat. not read. and not type anymore because it is so frustrating. Deep down I know it will be fine somehow. But when paynor crashed, it's like he wrecked my insides. I'm jumbled and lost.

I just want to use photoshop and make paynor look good as new. I want to write a paper that won't leave room for me to think about anything else. I want to be in the future and teaching so that I'm already past this stage in my life.

Maybe blogging will take the edge off of the situation for me. This sort of thing happens a lot, as the grandma said to me everytime I said sorry to her. I was lucky everything wasn't worse. But still, it happened, and I don't deal well with stress. It seems to all be on the surface today, swirling in my head and making me tired and dizzy, angry and confused, sad and sick, lonely and wishing no one were around.

And like I said, I don't know if people expect to be told when their family members or friends are in a crash, so hopefully if you are one of the people who expect to be told, you read this, because I don't want to tell everyone individually about it. I don't think I could tell people that many times.